Perhaps only God Himself/Herself is more important than humor. Seriously. Psychological research has found that when men list the qualities they desire in a partner, a good sense of humor consistently shows up near the top. For some of us, a good sense of humor is more important than physical appearance or socioeconomic status. Perhaps life is so hard that a humorless partner is too much to bear. When the road gets rough, it’s great to have a partner with whom you can laugh at all the absurdities along the way.
“Men who can laugh at themselves tell the world that they love themselves enough that they don’t have to pretend to be perfect…that it’s okay to fall on your butt now and then, grin sheepishly, get up and move on.”
Humor can defuse tense situations, changing the mood from serious and heavy to lighter and more balanced. A good sense of humor is a tangible asset—but can it be cultivated? If you’re pretty humorless, are you doomed to be this way forever? The good news is: no. A sense of humor can be developed just like any other personality trait. This is a great message, particularly for those of us who have been told: “You have no sense of humor” or asked, “Where’s your sense of humor?” A sense of humor can be cultivated. Read on…
Ironically, having a good sense of humor is serious business. Humor is no silly little thing; it’s part of your life force, right up there with breathing and eating. Just for a moment, imagine that you are having trouble breathing. It has been proven that telling a joke to hospital patients who suffer from asthma or respiratory problems helps them breathe more easily. Humor lowers panicky feelings that contribute to poor respiration. In fact, a well-developed sense of humor has been linked to improved all-around physical and mental health in study after study: it strengthens immune systems, lowers blood pressure, reduces stress on the organs and muscles, etc.
Take a few minutes and get in touch with your own sense of humor (or lack of it) and ask yourself:
If it’s difficult for you to answer these questions, I urge you to spend some time cultivating your sense of humor. Not only is it good for your health, it also makes you more attractive. Men who can laugh at themselves tell the world that they love themselves enough that they don’t have to pretend to be perfect…that it’s okay to fall on your butt now and then, grin sheepishly, get up and move on.
Humor is innately anti-perfectionistic. Unlike perfectionists, men with a well-developed sense of humor know they’re totally human, will inevitably mess up something important, and appear vulnerable when they do. Humor is a form of kindness to yourself and everyone around you. Research shows that people with a well-developed sense of humor live longer, much happier lives. They’re more pleasant to be around because they’re less demanding of others. They make better parents, bosses, friends and partners.
This may sound impossible for you perfectionist guys (enneagram, anyone?) reading this. Perfectionists and other people who are hard on themselves won’t see the humor in their mistakes. Instead, they berate themselves for not doing everything flawlessly. But perfectionism is a learned characteristic and it can be unlearned.
Wherever you are in your life, you can improve your sense of humor—it’s not a fixed quality. Start small: be willing to laugh at little things that you find funny. It can be something you do or something someone else does. Watch funny movies or videos. Ask people to tell you jokes and try telling a few jokes on your own. Like any skill, it takes practice. Don’t give up after one or two tries and say, “I can’t do it.” Persist and experiment. After all, it’s not brain surgery. Have some fun with it!
Michael Kimmel is a psychotherapist in San Diego, California. He did his MROP in May 2009 and will attend his FIRMing in May 2010. He finds the M.A.L.Es. group chock full of humor. Michael can be reached at beyondtherapy@cox.net.
So what makes a man a “real man” according to our society? Psychologist James Mahalik and his colleagues identified several descriptions, behaviors, or interests that are considered masculine in our society including: winning, emotional control, risk-taking, violence, dominance, playboy, self-reliance, distain for homosexuals, and pursuit of status.* They write, “[M]en are told that to be good citizens and good human beings, they should be non-violent and respectful of women; but they are also told that to be masculine means to ‘kick butt’ and ‘wear the pants in the family.’”
In comparison to our cultural perceptions of manhood, Jesus offers quite a different path. Unfortunately, it is in many ways not very appealing to the boys in our society. It seems that typical males would have trouble identifying with a role model who does not physically fight back, spends his time with the “losers” of society, emphasizes the need to rely on each other, and suggests giving everything you have to the poor. Many men might be more comfortable with a Jesus who would have jumped off the cross to fight with the Roman soldiers, rather than the Jesus who accepted death. Convincing adolescent males of the potent value of the Gospel message is difficult at best. I’ve faced many classrooms full of boys who have scoffed at the mere suggestion of turning the other cheek, or offering your tunic as well as your cloak. Let’s face it—they see Jesus as a wimp.
Few would disagree that Martin Luther King, Jr. was a powerful man, but it would be good to point out that his power did not come from controlling anyone.
The challenge is to redefine manhood for our boys. But how? Two ways that can help are telling stories (preferably true ones), and casting the traditional language of manhood in a different light. Boys will often describe “real men” as brave, strong, powerful, heroic, daring, and tough. While these descriptions are not necessarily bad, they often carry a lot of unwanted baggage.
For example, being “powerful” is often perceived as having control over someone. Yet being powerful can mean different things. Few would disagree that Martin Luther King, Jr. was a powerful man, but it would be good to point out that his power did not come from controlling anyone. In fact, he was powerful because he gave up control to others. He and many others revealed the injustices of a racist system by allowing themselves be mistreated and taken to prison. King did not seek to control his oppressors. Instead, he sought to convert them by offering himself up. His power came in self-sacrifice, a much more Christ-like version of power.
Overcoming the cultural images of manhood is an uphill battle. Boys love stories and stories are an excellent way to counter these images. Tell stories that give Christian examples of what it means to be powerful, daring, strong, etc. Talk to your sons while you watch T.V. Tell them about your own experiences. It might also help to point out that the Bible only once (at least to my knowledge) talks explicitly about what it means to become a true man. St. Paul writes:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things ... When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.”
Chris Wardwell lives with his wife, Christine, and 12-year-old son, Jacob, in Houston, Texas where he teaches theology at St. Thomas High School. Chris is also a writer, a hobby-horse musician and photographer, a baseball coach, and a chaplain in the Harris County Jail.
* “Development of the Conformity to Masculine Norms Inventory” by James Mahalik, et al. in the January 2003 Psychology of Men and Masculinity
Photo credit: New York World-Telegram and the Sun staff photographer: DeMarsico, Dick, photographer.
Do you have a poem, essay or photo that captures a particular men's issue or aspect of men's spirituality that is important to you? Submit it for consideration in an upcoming issue of The Drumbeat. Submission guidelines are as follows: Poems may have up to 50 lines. Essays should be between 400 and 700 words in length. Digital photos should be taken in high resolution (high dpi) and measure at least 500 pixels wide by 300 pixels high. Please email your submission to menswork@cacradicalgrace.org with subject: "For Drumbeat: Passage and Verse."
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